In my last post I shared my thoughts on bloggers hiding behind their computer screens and posed the question of whether it is deceiving for bloggers not to reveal all of who they really are. Sharing the good is easy, sharing the bad can be a bit difficult, but revealing the ugly? For me that has been a tough thing to do. When I started my blog last year I made the decision that I wanted to be as honest as possible with my audience. For the better part of my first year of blogging there were certain topics I avoided writing about. But then I made the choice to open up about something I have lived with since childhood – being bullied and how it has affected me as an adult. That blog post was the most difficult piece I have ever written, and the most therapeutic. It gave me the opportunity to let go of some past demons and it has also given me courage. After writing about my experience with bullying I feel more comfortable opening up with my readers.
You may have noticed I have not written much on the blog in the past several weeks. I was having a hard time with my writing and found myself lacking the motivation to do it. Work life has been rather stressful recently, but personally I have been facing another struggle. I have been feeling depressed and anxious. This has been something I have faced on and off for a few years now, and have been rather private about it. But this recent struggle has been tough and I have been trying different things to cope. While writing has usually been something that I could easily turn to, for a few weeks it actually brought on more pressure and I took a step back. In the meantime, I looked into other ways to bring peace and calmness to my life and am continuing to do so. Last week I decided to try writing again and I wrote this piece below. I was gentle with myself and just let whatever I was feeling flow out.
And so my friends this is me: I am a mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend and co-worker. I am a writer and blogger. I am Mama @ Heart…the good, the bad and the ugly.
Her alarm goes off and soon she is greeted by her children with “good morning!” and hugs. She smiles, hugs them back and sweetly asks them if they slept well.
On the inside, she is dreading her day and just wants to go back to bed.
She goes to work, spends her day at a cubicle, makes pleasant conversation with coworkers, and maybe even attempts a witty joke.
On the inside, she is fighting tears and hopes that nobody sitting around her notices she is on the brink of breaking down.
Her children want her undivided attention, to tell her about their day or share a funny story. She does her best to listen carefully and laugh with them.
On the inside, she wants to be alone with her thoughts.
Her children are running around, laughing together, playing make believe and well, being carefree kids. She watches them with a smile, trying to savour the moment, since ones like this will fade away as they grow up.
On the inside, she wants to go to a dark, quiet room.
People tell her she’s a good mom, or compliment her on her parenting skills and ideas. She graciously thanks them and returns the compliment.
On the inside, she feels like she’s fumbling through motherhood and thinks she could learn a lot from other moms.
Friends and family tell her how talented she is and that she will achieve great things.
On the inside, she feels like a failure and wishes she had more confidence.
She wants desperately to be happy; to genuinely smile and laugh with her kids rather than force it. She wishes she could play with her kids without feeling like she’d rather be alone. She wants to be a great mother and feel confident in her parenting skills, rather than always wondering if she’s letting her kids down.
She longs for the day that she can go to work, doing something she loves and brings her fulfillment, instead of feeling uninspired. She wants believe in herself, in her talents and ideas, and achieve her dreams rather than feel like they will forever be out of reach because she’s not good enough.
She wants to be the woman she knows she can be: an amazing, patient, caring mother and a loving, attentive wife who can always give her kids and husband her best self; a good friend who is fun to be around; a confident woman who can hold her head up high and believe in herself.
She knows this person is in there; she’s seen glimpses of her over the years and she misses her.
But this is what being depressed does to her. She’s faced it before and might face it again. She knows deep down she is strong enough, but right now she is seeking courage. She may feel lost but she’s acquiring the tools to find her way.
She is me.